Misled (A Sonnet) 12/30/15

Whenever I think I’m on solid ground,

You pull me in and then push me away.

Then we start going around and around,

Not knowing what to expect day to day.

Please, oh please, I want you out of my head,

I’m tired of thinking there is a chance.

I won’t be another of your misled,

Getting lost in the shuffle of the dance.

I’ve been there before, won’t do it again,

It is something my heart cannot endure.

It doesn’t matter the why or the when,

Or the temptation and endless allure.

Get out of my head, leave me no sorrow,

You’re here today, please don’t be tomorrow.

TLA 12/30/15

Encourage (10/30/15)

Either build them up or let them go,
Just don't knock them down.
Be the hand they hold on to,
Not the one who watches them drown.
In this world of darkness and hate,
Be a light that shines through it all.
Stand up tall, don't turn your back,
Encourage them when they fall.
Be right there to pick them up,
And stand them on their feet.
Hold their hand, embolden them,
Never let them go down in defeat.

TLA 10/9/15-10/30/15

Lonely (a Sonnet) (10/30/15)

It is nights like these that I remember,
That I'm utterly and fully alone.
It's a few days away from November,
And here I am still living on my own.
I waited far too many years for you,
But cannot bring myself to trust again.
You'll never know all that you put me through,
Any more now than you ever did then.
Loneliness is a soul crushing feeling,
That I learned to hide behind a smile.
I'm spending my time always concealing,
Just how lonely I have been all the while.
And you, you never bothered to recall,
You left me lonely that night in late fall.

TLA 10/30/15

Give a Damn (10/30/15

I am not perfect,
Nor will I ever be,
I'm tired of pretending,
It's time that you see ME.
Keep your unkind words,
I don't want them here,
If you can't encourage,
I'd prefer you not come near.
I have spent too much time,
Trying much too hard,
Pleasing those who don't deserve,
My respect or my regard.
It's more than time that you accept,
That this is who I am,
Accept me or not; it doesn't matter,
Because I no longer give a damn.

TLA 10/30/15

Consideration (10/27/15)

You have your beliefs,
And I have mine,
They can be separate,
They don't have to align.
All I ask for,
Is a little respect,
Even when you think,
That I'm incorrect.
Just be civil,
And not hateful to me,
No need for fighting,
No need to agree.
We'll be okay,
With no altercation,
We'll get along,
With a little consideration.

TLA 8/7/15-10/27/15

Mine (10/27/15)

Yes, they try to say that you are not mine,
But you have been mine from the very start.
Who are these people who try and define,
The love I feel in the depth of my heart?
The moment I first held you in my arms,
Wrapped in a blanket, standing in the cold,
Looking up at me, smiling, with your charms,
More precious to me than a pot of gold.
But they took you away and tell you lies,
It takes everything I have to keep calm,
And I hope and pray that you realize,
No matter the lies, I am always mom.
Keep the faith because I am always here,
Keep the faith because your freedom is near.

TLA 6/13/15-10/27/15

Monster Within (10/25/15)

You talk of God,
While you cloak your sins,
Passing judgement,
With lies that you spin.
You wear your mask,
Which covers the hate,
That you camouflage,
As long as it's straight.
But sometimes it slips,
And the real you is seen,
The hate, the violence,
And the things in between.
You don't fool all,
Because some of us know,
You talk of God,
But it's all just for show.
Someday you'll fall,
And all will be plain,
The monster within,
Is what will remain.

TLA 2/24/15-10/25/15

Can't Let it Go (10/25/15)

Why can't I just let it go,
It was so many years ago,
But I had never felt so low,
That night you went and struck the blow.
I felt it then, I feel it now,
I thought it would be okay somehow,
But I still don't understand just how,
Beginning to end you could disavow.
You left me there, no answers clear,
And I've waited for you, year after year,
For you to somehow reappear,
And tell me what I've been waiting to hear.
There was nothing more for me to say,
And I've heard no word to this day,
You have always stayed away,
And refused to ever meet me halfway.

TLA 4/11/13-10/25/15

Outside (10/25/15)

Always on the outside,
Always looking in,
Never on the inside,
Always asking "when"?
When is it my turn,
When do I get my chance,
To come in off the sidelines,
When do I get to advance?
Advance to the next step,
Where I am looking out,
Never looking in again,
Can I ever take that route?

TLA 2/27/13-10/25/15

Control (10/25/15)

How dare you think,
You have any control,
I severed that string,
From your blackened soul.
When your lies started slipping,
And you couldn't keep them straight,
I showed you the door,
Your eyes blazing with hate.
How dare I not believe,
All the lies that you spew,
Believe everything you say,
And take everything as true.
But all that ended,
When your mask began to crack,
The control you held is over,
And you'll never get it back.

TLA 10/25/15

Issues (10/22/15)

You have issues way beyond mine,
You're trying to fill a void,
And in the process you're hurting them all,
Until they're completely destroyed.
You plow right through,
An emotional attack,
You leave them in ruins,
And you never look back.
You just move on to the next,
But you can never fill that hole,
The place where all your issues dwell,
One day it will take its toll.
The perfection that you are seeking,
You're never going to find,
Your issues aren't going to leave you,
Until you've left them behind.

TLA 4/06-10/22/15

Your Voice (10/21/15)

Zip your lip, keep it quiet, never say a word.
Shut your mouth, don't make a sound, never to be heard.

This is what they tell you,
To keep you in your place,
But you need to make a stand, 
Somehow, some way, some place.

Never let them make you feel,
Like you don't have a voice,
Shout it loud from mountain tops,
It's always been your choice.

Open wide, let it out, shout it loud and clear.
Don't be quiet, turn it up, shout so they can hear.

TLA 4/26/14-10/21/15

Out of My Head (10/21/15)

Get out of my head; I don't want you there,
I have lived with you there for far too long,
Bringing me nothing but pain and despair,
Reliving each moment, knowing it's wrong.
"You must let it go," I say to myself,
"You have lived too long reliving the past,
Just wrap it up and put it on the shelf,
Now just walk away and walk away fast."
But the songs come on and the songs will play,
Reminding me of the days when you were here,
Haunting my mind with why you couldn't stay,
And going through it all year after year.
So please, I beg you, get out of my head,
Please let me finally move on ahead.

TLA 3/18/15-10/21/15

The Leap (10/21/15)

Always too scared to take the leap,
Always afraid it will get too deep.
Back away; go run and hide,
Tried to stay, oh yes, I've tried.
I tell myself it's all okay,
Then I turn and run away.
Perhaps one day the tide will turn,
And I can finally return,
To a normal life that is worthwhile,
Back to the point where I can smile.

TLA 10/21/15

Under the Mask (10/20/15)

That which was me was torn apart,
I lost who I was, right from the start.
I should have run, that night long ago,
I didn't know then, but, oh, now I know.
That my life was spiraling, going down,
Running on empty, then he came around.
He made me promises I needed to hear,
Not knowing then that he was never sincere.
The real him was hiding just under the mask,
I wasn't aware of the right questions to ask.
So right then and there I fell for it all,
Though it didn't take long for his mask to fall.
The lies, the cheating, the daily abuse,
"Words don't leave bruises," was my ready excuse.
But I finally woke up and realized the wrong,
I had stayed in the nightmare for far, far too long.
So I woke up one morning and walked out the door,
And I found the strength I had never had before.
I'm gathering my pieces day after day,
Never again will I give them away.

TLA 9/26/15-10/20/15

The Wall (10/19/15)

There's a wall that can't be broken through,
That hides the world and impedes my view.
It's a hundred feet tall and made of stone,
The fault of construction entirely my own.
I've built it there to protect my soul,
To try and take back a little control.
I've built the wall to hide inside,
Attempting to heal my shattered pride.
Picking up the pieces that were scattered about,
Sweeping them up and throwing them out.
Then little by little, pull down that wall,
And one day watch what's left of it fall.
At long last I will earn my release,
I'll finally be healed and survive in one piece.

TLA 8/5/15-10/19/15

Unkind (10/18/15)

They were unkind words from an unkind heart,
The words that burn to the depth of your soul,
You missed all the signs right from the start,
Not understanding his need to control.
The words beat you down like never before,
In your life you had never felt so small,
The first time you should have ran for the door,
But you just didn't understand it all.
And you thought if you could just stop doing,
Everything he didn't want you do do,
But the hateful words, they just kept spewing,
And you realized the problem wasn't you.
Then you had enough and you said goodbye,
And then his hateful words did not apply.

TLA 10/18/15

Sorrow (10/18/15)

All the years have crept on in,
And left me lonely once again,
Reaching out for just one friend,
But always lonely in the end.
People come and people go,
They come in fast, they come in slow,
Most just say a quick, "Hello,"
And most just left so long ago.
So here I'm lonely year after year,
No one is ever quite sincere,
And soon they, too, just disappear,
They go away and leave me here.
So here I sit in loneliness and sorrow,
Wanting nothing more than just to borrow,
Some friendship so I don't have to wallow,
In my pain of my lonely tomorrow.

TLA 7/16/08-10/18/15

Nerve (10/18/15)

My stomach hurts,
My head is pounding,
The nerve of some,
Is just astounding.
You give your all,
They take and take,
They never give,
It's your mistake.
They lay the blame,
They lie and cheat,
And lay their sins,
Down at your feet.
Then anger comes,
When you won't agree,
To cloak their sins,
To set them free.
Then that's the time,
You know you're through,
That's the time,
To rescue you.

TLA 9/10/08-10/18/15

Then There Was You (10/18/15)

And then there was you,
The one I couldn't keep,
The one who turned and walked away,
The one I fell for deep.
And then there was you,
The one I've waited for,
To walk back in to my life,
Just like you did before.
And then there was you,
Who has been gone for 18 years,
And never gave a second thought,
While I was drowning in my tears.
And then there was you,
Who broke my heart so deep and true,
It shattered in a million pieces,
Yes, it all was you.

TLA 10/18/15

Broken (10/18/15)

He was the perfect man,
Or so it might seem,
But he took every ounce,
Of her self esteem.
Her stripped her down,
And laid her bare,
Used her up,
Then he left her there.
He left her broken,
Where she had once been whole,
With a burned up heart,
And a torn up soul.
He left her with a mind,
Torn down and abused,
From his unkind words,
Leaving her battered and bruised.
Then he walks away,
With no words spoken,
Leaves her alone 
Tired and broken.

TLA 10/18/15

Leave (10/13/14)

You live your life in such a way,
That no one ever wants to stay.
You grab ahold, you hold on tight,
You're always ready for a fight.
All you want is full control,
To crush the heart and kill the soul.
You don't know truth, you lay the blame,
"It's all you," is what you exclaim.
It takes some time to finally wake,
And realize it was all a mistake.
That you could ever be the one,
When all we should have done was run.
We must rid ourselves of those who deceive,
In the end we all must leave.

TLA 10/13/15

Frustration (10/12/15)

Frustration is mounting,
There is no end in sight,
I can feel it building,
But no relief this night.
I just want it to go,
It insists on staying,
It won't leave me alone,
And my nerves are fraying.
How can I make it leave,
Stay away forever?
When can this ever end?
I am guessing...never.

TLA 10/12/15

Point of View (10/9/15)

Yes, I may be different,
No, I don't think like you,
You can have your own opinions,
But respect my point of view.
You don't have to like it,
You certainly don't have to agree,
It's really okay that I think for myself,
It's the right afforded to me.
But please let's keep it civil,
There's no need for all-out war,
You believe your way, I'll believe mine,
And leave your hatred at the door.

TLA 10/9/15

Learned (10/9/15)

I am human, I make mistakes,
Maybe more than my fair share.
I can't blame anyone, only me,
Because I was never unaware.
Of the consequences of choices made,
And the things I knew were wrong,
I was led astray by my own self,
For really far too long.
But maybe age brings wisdom,
With each mistake maturity earned.
I turned my back on bad decisions,
So maybe the lessons were learned.

TLA 10/9/15

Moving On (10/7/15)

It should have been you, 
But it will never be,
It took too many years,
For me to ever see.
That you ran away,
After drawing me in,
You never looked back,
To what could have been.
A downward spiral,
I ended up broken,
Surrounded by confusion,
And words left unspoken.
It took years to conclude,
That is was over for good,
And I should move on,
I know that I should.
And one day I will,
Or at least I'll pretend,
That I've let it all go,
And say goodbye to you, old friend.

TLA 10/7/15

Brave (10/6/15)

Sometimes it is hard to get through the day,
When nothing ever seems to go my way,
And everything I love just goes away,
I just want everything to be okay.
I wake every morning and start anew,
I do everything that I know to do,
Trying every day just to make it through,
Grasping at straws before they are gone, too.
Hoping against hope the tunnel has light,
A drop of hope in the dark of the night,
Waiting for something to make it all right,
Never ready to give up on this fight.
I know in my heart it's me I must save,
No longer allow my fear to enslave,
Take the fear, bury it deep in the grave,
Stand on my feet; show the world that I'm brave.

TLA 10/6/15

Proud (10/5/15)

Scream, scream at the top of your voice,
Let them know it's all your choice.
Don't let them tell you how you feel,
Show them that you're made of steel.
Don't let them force you to your knees,
Stand up proud with no unease.
Be true to you and don't back down,
Plant your feet and stand your ground.
Stand up tall and stand up proud,
Scream it, scream it, nice and loud!

TLA 10/5/15

Convictions (10/4/15)

I don’t need you to form my thoughts,

I have a mind enough of my own.

There’s no need for your “should” or “ought,”

When my truth is already known.

I don’t need you to “show me the way,”

Or to tell me I have it all wrong,

I understand what you want to convey,

But I don’t have a need to belong.

There is a path that I choose for me,

Without all of your restrictions.

You still have a right to disagree,

But it’s a path of my own convictions.

TLA 10/4/15

Gone (10/4/15)

How can you not be there when I need you?

How can you be gone after all those years?

Now who can I turn to to get me through?

Where do I go to wipe away my tears?

Why couldn’t you fight a little longer?

Why was giving up so easy for you?

Couldn’t you have been a little stronger?

But instead you pulled away and withdrew.

I forget you’re gone and reach for the phone,

Hoping upon hope I can hear your voice.

Realizing you’re gone and feeling alone,

Always wondering why you made that choice.

Wishing you didn’t have to go away,

Wondering why you didn’t want to stay.

TLA 10/4/15

It's Not Easy (10/2/15)

It's not easy being me,
The things I do, the things I see.
It's not easy to be alone,
To do it all, all on my own.
It's not easy to get thru the day,
It may be rough, but I'm okay.
It's not easy to always smile,
But it eases the pain, at least for awhile.

TLA 
10/2/15

If Just For One Night (10/1/15)

If just for one night,
Let me pretend,
That it's me that you want,
But don't let it end.
If just for one night,
Tell me it's love,
That there's nobody else,
When push comes to shove.
If just for one night,
Tell me it's okay,
When it comes crashing down,
Beg me to stay.
If just for one night,
Hold me until tomorrow,
And when that time comes,
Please, don't let me go.

TLA 
10/1/15

Pieces (9/13/15)

You broke my heart,
You bruised my soul, 
They will never heal,
They will never be whole.
You held them fast,
In your fist,
You squeezed so tight,
I felt them twist.
You ripped them up,
Threw them to the ground,
Scattered them to the wind,
So they couldn't be found.
In a million pieces they fly,
To collide in the squall,
As hard as I search,
I cannot find them all.

TLA
9/2/15-9/13/15

Death (9/13/15)

Is it lonely where you went,
When you closed your eyes for good?
Would you say that you're content,
Or do you wish you could?
This place you've gone, are you alone,
It is you and only you?
Is it scary, the unknown,
Or something that you knew?
Is it dark and bleak with nothing there,
Or filled with those you knew before?
Does darkness fill you with despair,
Or does hope spring evermore?
If only we knew the answers we seek,
Before we break our final breath.
If only we had a little peak,
Maybe we wouldn't have to fear death.

TLA
8/26/15-9/13/15

Truth (9/10/15)

It's hard not to care about what people say,
When you know it's the truth that they tell,
Having to hear it day after day,
Knowing the truth all too well.
You wish you could turn and just not hear,
The words they feel they must speak,
You don't know why they must intervene,
And make your life feel so bleak.
Now you must learn to answer the call,
To give them nothing to say,
They like nothing more than to se you fall,
But you can take that away.

TLA
7/16/13-9/10/15

Release (9/9/15)

Last night I dreamt about you,
Why doesn't it ever end?
Will I ever see you again,
Or are we done, old friend?
Do you laugh when you think
Of the fool I made of me, 
Chasing after what never was,
And what could never be?
If only the dreams would go away,
And leave me a moment's peace,
I could let it go forever,
And finally get some release.

TLA
6/4/11-9/9/15

Waves (9/8/15)

I want to drift off,
With the sound of the waves,
Whispering in my ear.
The feel of the breeze
Caressing my cheek,
The creaking of the pier.
The overcast days,
The breezy nights,
The tide is drawing near.
The sound of the wind,
The lapping waves,
Are all I want to hear.

TLA
7/24/15-9/8/15

Broken Heart (9/8/15)

What do you do with a broken heart,
A heart that just won't heal?
What do you do with the feelings,
That you just can't help but feel?
Why can't they ever be thrown away,
And just get rid of the pain?
Why does it insist on lingering,
Why must it always remain?
Just when you convince yourself,
That it's now gone forever,
You realize that it's there to stay,
And will never leave, no never!

TLA
5/13/98-9/8/15

Frozen in Place (8/4/15)

Forever standing on the dock,
Yet always miss the boat.
Trying, trying not to sink,
It's hard to stay afloat.
Grabbing hard with all your might,
But can never get a grip.
Holding fast to what you know,
Yet always feel it slip.
Wanting to take a step away,
And join in on the race.
Running, running away from it all,
But forever frozen in your place.

TLA 8/4/15

Do I Dare? (8/3/15)

I ask myself, "Do I dare love again?"
When it never brought anything but pain.
I tell myself it's not worth it, but then,
Should I allow loneliness to remain?

It is possible to put it behind?
All the misery, the pain and deceit?
Or will it always be there to remind,
That love has always gone down in defeat?

I try to decide if it's worth my heart,
To take the risk of additional break.
To leave it intact or break it apart,
And take the chance of another mistake.

And I sit here with no answers to share,
So I keep asking myself, "Do I dare?"

TLA 8/3/15

Contradiction (7/23/15)

I was never hip, I was never cool,
Always hopeful, yet always the fool.
I am the lonely, even in a crowd,
Realistic, but my thoughts in a cloud.
Wanting to belong, but always stood out,
Craving confidence, but always in doubt.
Wanting to think that I am ten feet tall
Wishing I didn't always feel so small.
Worrying how I will get through the day,
Somehow knowing it will all be okay.

TLA 7/23/15

Questions (7/23/15)

How could the sadness in the eyes be missed?
Why is there loneliness when the lips are kissed?
When is there time when you have been dismissed?
Where is the soul when you only exist?
Where can you go when there's no where to run?
When will it end when it's only begun?
Why reach for more when you know there is none?
How could the sadness ever be undone?

TLA 7/23/15

Remember When (7/19/15)

Remember when, so very long ago,

When I thought the two of us were good friends?

All the times we spent, oh how could I know,

That in time, all things will come to an end.

Remember when you asked me to leave you?

And yet you wouldn't explain to me why,

After all these years if you only knew,

How much it killed me to tell you good-bye.

Remember the card that you sent me?

A year after that heart-breaking fall night?

A Christmas card with your apology,

And yet, still no explanation in sight.

It will be eighteen years in November,

I wonder if you even remember.

TLA 7/19/15

Homecoming 5/25/15

It was a cold night so long ago,
I walked through the crowds on the street,
The cold didn't matter, the wind could blow,
Nothing could make me retreat.
I stood there; I watched; I waited,
'Til the sound of the sirens blared,
Down the road they came, celebrated,
"We're home," the sirens declared.
Then came the flashes to lighten the night,
Then came the red, white and blue,
There was never a more beautiful sight,
Than when the buses first came into view.
The first of the soldiers were finally here,
We clapped and waved and we cried,
Every bus, every soldier received our good cheer,
Our hearts filled with love and with pride.
Walking home in the dark, it was then that I knew,
That soon it would be my turn,
To watch the buses come into view,
Signaling my soldier's return.

TLA 5/25/15

Lessons 1/14/15

I've grown so weary,
Of the words that you speak.
You think me desperate,
You think I'm weak.
Yet there were lessons,
The lessons you taught;
Believe in no lies,
And have my own thoughts.
Don't take the abuse,
Hold my head high,
Know when it's over,
And when to say, "Goodbye."
The words that you spew,
No longer have control,
Since I sent you packing,
And made myself whole.

TLA 9/11/14-1/14/15

Mandi

Thunder boomed,

Lightening flashed,

Rain came down,

Winds lashed.

So very loud,

Oh, so bright,

Both storm and you,

Flash in the night.

A mighty storm,

Yells the sky,

Loud and clear,

Was your goodbye.

TLA 7/30/14-1/9/15

Character

Do not put your words in my mouth,

And keep your thoughts out of my head.

There's no room for your idle talk,

I have my life to live instead.

Put away your hateful deceit,

Or find the tables turned on you.

Before you know it the lies turn,

And the shower of shame ensues.

So could you do me a favor?

Walk away and never come back. 

What I possess is character,

It's one thing you will always lack.

TLA 8/24/14-1/9/15

Youth

Nov 5, 2014/Jan 7, 2015

Up on stage,

Maybe seventeen,

In a black mini-skirt,

With crimped blond hair.

Singing about

The metro; maybe a soldier.

The lights flashing,

The music up loud.

So long ago.

Now the metro

Is long silent,

Mini-skirt hung up.

Memories of youth.